Weekly Weigh-In....So Close

So I was kinda hoping for three this week so I could be at an even 45 on this program and 50 overall. However I lost 2 so I am down 44 on this program and 49 overall. Close. I will totally take that. 49 down, 41 to go! I can do this, right? One day at a time! It is definitely getting harder, but it is worth it! I will update more later, I am tired tonight.

1.22.13 Day 123, Lost:2 Total:44, Weight: 146

All in.

Self-Discipline Is Worth It - Another Weekly Weigh-In

There have definitely been moments along this journey, and a lot this week, where I have felt like giving up, but FOGS has kicked in followed by II Timothy 1:7. If you are confused, please read the previous two posts. I am so glad I am learning a thing or two about self-discipline. I lost two pounds this week and officially out of the 150s and into the 140s. 42 pounds gone on this program so that means I have lost a total of 47 pounds with 43 left to go! I have officially crossed over the line and I have lost more that I have left to lose! Ready to keep going!

1.15.13 Day 116, Lost:2 Total:42, Weight: 148

All in.

II Timothy 1:7

So today as I was working out, I was praying for some scripture that I could focus/meditate on for the rest of this journey. I was reminded of II Timothy 1:7 which says:

For God did not give us a spirit of timidity 

(or fear in some translations), 

but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline.

I thought this was definitely fitting seeing where my heart has been recently and the fact that I am learning a lot about self-discipline in this process which, if I am going to continue being honest, I am not that good with the self-discipline. I am working on it though. It's an effort that you have to put forth every day. Every day you have to be conscious about the decisions you make and the steps you take. I want all of these things that it talks about in this verse. I do not want to have a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power, love, and self-discipline. One step at a time is all I can ask for right now and this is what I am aiming for.

All in.

FOGS

Not only do I have FOMO (Fear Of Missing Out), but I now have something new: FOGS (Fear Of Getting Stuck). A few weeks ago, my health educator, Meghan, told me that at the weight I am currently and this point in the weight-loss stage, I should be losing one pound a week. Up until that point, I still had some 3 pound weight-loss weeks. Well the weight-loss has started to slow down a bit. I have started to have FOGS in the last couple of weeks. In the past when I have tried to lose weight, when I have hit a plateau or started to slow down, I got stuck then ultimately and slowly would give up and then gain the weight back (and until this last time, I gained more). I DO NOT want to get stuck again! Also I have 45 pounds to go and I "should" be losing 1 pound a week. Dear sweet Jesus, I do not want to be on this program for another 45 weeks! I DO NOT want to be eating nothing but shakes and entrees for another 45 weeks. Just out of curiosity, I just looked up when 45 weeks from now would be and that is the week of Thanksgiving! Are you kidding? No thank you! I started this program on September 21st and I would love to drop all the weight within a year of starting this program. I am determined!

This journey really has been an emotionally hard one, like I said in a post a few posts ago. My family has been great encourages in this process. I also have some dear friends who have been super encouraging in this process as well. Kory and Sara have been amazing. Not only that, but Sara, another friend named Sarah, and I have been intentional about living life together over the last several weeks. They have been amazing. They have allowed me to have rants on little things that should not be a big deal, but just feel hard, and they have been so great with encouraging me in this process. It has been SO great to live life together and encourage each other. They have been so great with my FOGS!

Today I was planning on having a light work out day, but in order to avoid FOGS, I decided to strap on my shoes and see how far I could run without stopping. It was a hard task, but I ran three miles without stopping! I can only think of one other time in my whole life where I ran three miles without stopping. I am proud of myself! Now keep in mind, my time was really slow, but I freaking ran three miles without stopping today! Heck yeah!

Thanks for the encouragement everyone! Keep it coming!

All in.

Another Weekly Weigh-In

Woah! We're half way there! Wo-ah living on a prayer!

Another pound down! I am down 40 on this program, 45 overall! Officially half way there!

 1.8.13 Day 109, Lost:1 Total:40, Weight: 150

 I now officially weigh less than both of my brothers. This is my brother,

Mike, and I at his 30th birthday party this summer.

For my 40 pound (on this program) reward, I chose Friday Night Lights Season 2. Love this show and cannot wait to dive into Season 2 again!

All in.

Almost Half Way There!

Since Christmas and New Year's both landed on a Tuesday this year, I had to attend a class on a different on a night which I opted for Wednesday. I was really hoping to lose 4 pounds this week because that would have meant that I would have lost 40 pounds on this program and 45 pounds overall. 45 pounds is the exact halfway point in this process for me. However, I lost 3 this week. I will take it. I am moving in the right direction. I already have my next reward ready and waiting for next week when I officially hit the 40/45/half way point!

1.2.13 Day 103, Lost:3 Total:39, Weight: 151

Also, if you have not read yesterday's blog yet, go ahead and look at it. It will give you a glimpse of where my heart is at. In the meantime, I just have to say that the Lord id good and I am blessed!

All in.

Thoughts And Feelings

You know, I don't think I realized how many emotions came with losing weight. Gaining weight was easy. I just ate. Which is probably why I do not really remember the emotions - I am an emotional eater - happy, sad, whatever, I like to eat!

However, now that I am losing weight and eating whatever, wherever, and whenever I want is not an option, I have to do something with said emotions in other ways. I am having to learn how to do that. Just because you don't use food to cope with emotions does not mean that you just magically know how to have a different outlet for said emotions. It's kind of weird and bizarre to me. I have yet to figure out what exactly it looks like to have different outlets for emotions or even if that is what it should be called. I am still trying to figure all this emotion stuff out, but I know that I can no longer use/view food in the same way as I did before. And I don't. I definitely feel like there has been a change...well I know there has been a change for the better. At the same time, I don't feel like my thoughts/feelings/views on food are done changing yet and they may not be for awhile. I am okay with that for right now because I didn't put all my weight on overnight and I will not be taking it off overnight so I am not going to rush to change my emotions and views on food overnight. This weight-loss journey is just that - a journey and not just a final-number-on-the-scale-at-the-end result. I have to learn in this period or before you know it, as soon as I get the weight off, I could more easily put it right back on. And that is not healthy physically, emotionally, mentally, or spiritually. What I do know is this journey has been hard on all four of those levels, but as it talks about in James 1:2-4 that we know the testing of our faith develops perseverance and we must develop perseverance so that we may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. 

It is weird, though, I'll tell you. I never felt like I was fat or overweight. Don't get me wrong, I knew I was and still am. But I didn't feel like it. My 91-year-old Grandma moved into an assisted living facility a few weeks ago. She often says two things: 1. That she thinks everyone else in the place is older than she is (although the reality is she is one of the older people there, she is very young spirited and lively for her age - in the best way possible) 2. She doesn't feel like she's 91, but much younger. It's like every time someone has a birthday, people ask them if they feel a year older, the answer is always no. Because you don't age a year overnight, you don't feel a year older overnight. Because I didn't put 90 pounds on overnight, I didn't feel 90 pounds overweight. And, oddly, for the most part, I was fairly healthy for being 90 pounds overweight. I did not have diabetes or other health problems that would be attributed to being that overweight. I could run up the stairs in my house without being winded. Mind you, I couldn't go out for a jog in the neighborhood without getting winded, but I could do the basic life functions without feeling like I was going to die. So in someways it was hard to feel like I NEEDED to lose weight when I didn't feel like death or really that bad about things. The images in the mirror weren't ideal, but they could haven been worse.

When I started this process and I really began to think about things and the longer I have been on this weight-loss journey, the more I see the need for change. When I first started this program, I was wearing a size 14 jeans at Old Navy. Their plus size section starts at 16. Let's be embarrassingly honest here, I probably should have been in a 16. If you have a BMI 30 or greater, you are considered obese. A BMI of 40 or greater is considered morbidly obese. When I first started this program, five pounds down from my heaviest, I had a BMI of 39. As of about a month ago, I was down to a BMI of 32 and a pants size of a 10. Definitely a great improvement, but a huge eye opener too! To think that I am down 41 from my heaviest (36 on this program) with 49 more to go. What will my pants size or my BMI look like in 49 pounds? It is really nice that the amount I have already lost and the amount that I still have left to lose start with the same number, even though there is an eight pound difference, mentally it is nice. 

I went to Starbucks this afternoon for a cup of Pike Place (black, of course) to read and just to get out of the house on this rainy, dreary day. I saw a number of women who had the same body type that I did before I started losing weight (and really that I still kinda have, just not as noticeable) and honestly it made me kinda sad. I think I was finally noticing what others have noticed about me physically. I made 2013 calendars for my family for Christmas - one for my real family and a different one for my Oregon family. I ordered an extra one that I made for my Oregon family for myself and I pulled it out after I got home from Starbucks to hang it up and I saw this one picture of my brother, Kory, and me doing lunges as a joke and I kinda felt sick at how I looked. Again, I do not consider myself thin now, but there is enough of a change that it is noticeable and I do not consider my old self attractive. That picture of Kory and me was taken at the end of May - rather recently in the grand scheme of things. It is just crazy to see some of these changes. This is where I have a hard time defining and expressing such emotions. A big part of me looks at that picture and smiles because it was a fun picture with fun memories and I love my brother, but the other part of me wants to cry because I feel like I look so gross in that picture and I can't believe I let myself get to that place - even though, at the time, I didn't feel like anything was wrong. I knew it, but I didn't feel it and I didn't feel the need to change. 

With all that said, I don't know how to tie that all together other than this is where I'm at, I do not have all the answers yet, it is a process, it is hard, and the Lord is good. All the time. Sorry this post is kinda long. Actually I'm not. It feels good to get this out. But for now...

All in.